Who the hell's Roderick Blank?
[Narrating] That would be me.
You ever see a guy walking down the street...
looking so happy and content you wanna find the nearest brick...
and turn his face into hamburger meat?
I'm sorry. That April morning, I was that guy.
I couldn't help it.
I had what I thought at the time to be it all:
"excellent job, excellent soon-to-be wife"...
"excellent life".
If only I hadn't let Trixie open that last e-mail.
What would you say if I broke out into song right now?
You know how this good mood thing of yours is killing me, Rod.
And yet... you persist.
[laughs] Stop.
Stop! Or we're never gonna get through these e-mails.
- [beep] - Oh. Here's a beauty from Lester.
"Re: Bachelor Party Stripper Crisis".
Have I told you how grateful I am that I'm a lesbian?
Delete! Delete! My God.
Men like Lester are the reason Death Nell was invented.
[Narrating] I was a man above temptation.
Other woman had lost all appeal.
One in particular.
They called her Death Nell...
even though, technically, she hadn't killed anyone.
Different hairstyles, different outfits...
different spray-painted messages.
- [rasping] - [puncturing]
The same comatose result.
[thud]
It was all we could talk about that spring.
Five dates leading to subversive seduction...
and ending in endless slumber.
She was the worst thing to happen to men...
and the best thing to happen to media...
in quite some time.
Needless to say, I had picked the perfect moment...
to be getting out of the game.
For every guy or gal, there comes a time...
when you say, it's time.
Meet Fiona Wormwood, my wife-to-be.
Stop staring, perv.
[Roderick narrating] It's funny, looking back.
She was not the sweetest girl in the world.
Just, I... I like... okay.
But when it comes to the person you're spending...
the rest of your life with, you want a bit of a sting.
There.
Your married friends call you up for a barbecue.
- They tell you... - It's time.
Your parents tell you...
- Son, it's time. - [wheezing]
The whole damn universe tells you.
Don't make me the villain.
I told your sister...
exactly how many pounds she had to drop...
to fit into that bridesmaid's dress.
Enough. Let's talk about orchids. Orchids.
[Roderick narrating] Yep. It was time.
[Trixie] Okay, if you can tear yourself back to work...
Thank you. I've downloaded the Big Mac.
I mean The Matador! I don't know.
It looks like two all-beef patties, special sauce...
lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun to me.
Boss.
Hey, that's very special sauce...
[Narrating] As for the "excellent job" part of my life...
I like to tell reporters...
"It's always been my dream to work...
in a fast-food restaurant".
[chuckles] I was being cute.
Our place was different. You know... classy.
The plan was simple.
Swallow up the food names, sleek the uniforms...
Starbuck the decor.
[chuckles] Welcome to Swallows.
One Swallow Cornucopia to go!
Have a startling and unique day.
You, too.
Please, Trixie, tell me that was the last goddamn e-mail.
- No, there's one more. - [beep]
- Hold on. - [computer chirping]
Doesn't say who it's from.
- [clicking mouse] - [beep]
I don't know.
I'm getting, like, a virus vibe here.
Okay! It's your life.
Oh, that's weird.
It's a list of names.
Must be more wedding bullshit.
Well, they're all women's names.
Number one- does the name Patricia Francini ring a bell?
Patricia Francini?
Whoa, I haven't heard that name in...
Patty and I were co-captains of my high school debate team...
her main claim to fame being that...
in classic backseat drive-in fashion...
she took my virginity.
Clan of the Cave Bear was the movie.
Drive-in's now a Staples.
What did you say this list was?
I didn't, unless Allison Bradbury...
is the second girl you ever had sex with.
- Whoa. - No way.
Are you saying this is a list of everyone you ever had sex with?
- Who's number three? - [laughing]
Well, that would be Debbie Roberts.
No, wait. She was four.
Who was the spooky drunk girl at the 4-H fair?
I had to drive her home, 'cause her brother was, uh...
Daisy Milos Ross?
- Yes! Crazy Daisy! - [typing]
Milos- what? Ross?
Who sent this?
Is this some...
pre-bachelor party trick...
of all the girls I've loved before?
But who would know about Daisy Milos Ross?
Damn, Roderick, this is an insane amount of pussy.
Well, thanks.
I don't know if I'd call 29 women insane.
I guess some guys might be impressed by the big two-nine...
but I racked up most of those numbers as an undergrad.
Uh, Sparky?
There's more than 29 wild oats on this list, a lot more.
Trix. T. Now, it's not like I'm one of those silly guys...
that keeps track of how many, uh...
[laughs] All right. Fine.
Every guy is one of those silly guys...
Stop! The ever-delightful Fiona Wormwood...
soon to be Fiona Blank, is indeed numero 29.
But, dude, the list keeps going.
Closing out at...
a hundred and one.
That's impossible.
Wait. April Fool's Day today, isn't it?
That was yesterday. Today's the second.
Hmm...
One of the guys.
Zack, Chico, Lester... no, Lester.
Especially Lester.
What better way to mess with me...
than by sending me the names of...
all the women I've had sex with?
Teasing me with an obviously made-up roster.
72 more tantalizing female names to, uh...
Symbolize all the fine trim you'll be sacrificing, once you get married.
Exactly. Yes.
- Hmm. - Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You sure you don't have a Carlotta Valdes shacked up somewhere?
I mean, according to the list, she's next up.
- [clicking mouse] - Carlotta Valdes.
Followed by Cynthia Rose.
Followed by...
Well, whoever did this sure put in the hours.
Print it.
[speaking Japanese]
Sayonara!
- [door closes] - [drops objects]
[Narrating] So, now you know.
The last goddamn e-mail.
The list.
Every woman I ever, followed by every woman I...
[Trixie on phone] You're not still staring at that list.
- [beep] - No comment.
Oh, did I remember to warn you...
that you're gonna be kidnapped from work for your bachelor party?
[door opens]
[screaming, whooping]
Whoa!
Hey, Roderick. How are you doing?
[men chattering]
- Ready to party, Rod? - Oh, no, no.
No one said anything about this going down at my house.
- Lester. - What?
This is my house.
Fiona gave us permission.
Oh, you're insane. [chuckling]
- Interesting e-mail today. - Mmm!
Worry not. I found a new stripper.
Oh, no. Not the stripper crisis.
The, uh, kooky one. The list.
- What list? - The list of...
- What are you talking about? - [doorbell]
- Names. - Well, our fair lady's here, gentlemen!
Turn that up!
Rule six.
No ham radio operating.
- Get it? Breasts? - [Men] Aww...
No ham radio operating.
Rule seven. No checking the oil.
- [Man] Checking the oil? - Get it?
Vagina!
No checking the oil.
And I loved the touch of adding to the list...
Rule eight...
the names of women I've yet to have sex with.
- No cotton candy. - What do you mean, man? What list?
Oh. Yeah. "What list"?
Hey! You two jokers in the back!
Show Precious some respect!
This is a bachelor party.
It ain't fun and games.
Who wants to play musical lap dances?
- [men hoot] - ¶¶ [rock]
[man snoring]
[rowdy yelling]
- [music stops] - Aw! Too bad!
- [smooch] - [men chatter]
Goodbye!
¶¶ [rock]
[vomiting]
Mm. You call this decadence?
Bro, it was you!
If only women knew. The bachelor party.
The best commercial for marriage.
Cream for your coffee?
Mm! Uh, no thanks. Carbs.
You laughing at the old coot?
Yeah, I'm sorry. I am.
Hey, what about you?
You're walking around your own party, here...
obsessing about your former conquests.
Well, it's actually a little more complicated.
I was fine until this morning.
I got this crazy list of women...
No! No! No! I don't wanna see it.
You don't wanna see it.
Hell, you probably sent it to yourself when you were drunk.
If you're looking for a way out...
Rod, you'll find it.
No, it- it's nothing like that.
Stop looking.
Hang in here for another hour.
Get married next week. Have a kid.
Reinvent the tater tot! Make a lot of money! Have another kid.
- Say, "Thanks, Zack. " - Okay. Thanks, Zack.
- Mm-hmm. - Maybe you're right.
Yo! Groom.
- Grand finale. - [men whooping]
Don't worry. Lester's paid for it.
[loud yammering]
Yikes.
How's that for ham radio, buddy?
- [drunken laughter] - Yeah!
- [Precious giggling] Oh, yeah! Yeah! - [door knobs jostling]
- [Rod moans] - [Precious] Give it to me, big boy!
[Roderick] Oh, that's the way you like it?
Oh, yeah! Harder!
[giggling] This is my oldest. He's four.
- Fuck me! - This is your oldest?
Wow. He's a good-looking kid.
He's gonna break a lot of hearts.
- Yes! Yes! - [giggles]
- Yes! - God-dammit! Harder!
So are you planning on having kids with your wife?
Well, definitely. Yeah.
But you know, right now, we can't even agree on what kind of dog to...
Whoa! Precious, I told you I don't want...
- to cross the line of... - [unzips]
- Whoa! - [opens condom packet]
- Oh, gosh. - [both laugh]
I'm so sorry.
I honestly thought you were kidding about...
all that... "men can be feminists too" stuff.
Can you blame me for the confusion?
Well, just because I'm giving you...
a standing ovation, my darling...
doesn't mean that we have to, you know... I...
- I think we better... - Got it.
That's what I'm talking about. Doin' it...
Hey, I don't want you to take any of this personally.
I just... you know.
Goddamn, what kind of condom is this?
Your fiancée is lucky.
She's got one of the good ones.
I wish I was more into successful white dudes...
but, um... [giggles]
two broke Latin husbands, and...
Jesus, stop me. [laughs]
Anyway, man, gracias. Seriously.
Gracias?
Um, Precious, your real name...
wouldn't happen to be Carlotta...
- [squish] - [gasps] Valdes?
How did yo...
Who told you that?
Um, I think your bodyguard might have mentioned it.
Like that asshole knows my real name.
So, you staying back there, or...
[softly] Why is it so quiet in there?
- [Roderick narrating] Carlotta Valdes. - [chair squeaking]
Number 30.
This was more than a bachelor party trick...
more than a loyalty test.
This was sex.
And I had a print-out.
I was in the throes of a sacrilegious epiphany...
in possession of a magical document...
that promised an embarrassment of bitches.
And yet, did it void my earlier...
rather impassioned soliloquy about how it's time?
To settle down? To marry Fiona?
Right then, I nobly revowed...
my eternal resistance to other women.
Remember how freaked out you were when you first noticed...
the centerfold was younger than you?
Ah, yes, the...
central trauma of every American male.
Look at this baby.
- And I mean baby. - [sirens]
Born in 1984. 1984.
My life was, like, done by '84.
- What are her turn-ons? - Mmm...
Pudding, air hockey, and pudding.
[sputters] Bimbo said "pudding" twice.
[snickers]
I do like air hockey.
"Cynthia Rose is looking for a man...
who's confident, successful, with a nice set of abs".
Well, zero out of three ain't bad.
What did you say her name was?
[turning pages]
Cynthia Rose.
Nice.
Oh... [chuckles]
Thank you.
Dude, you're not gonna buy the issue?
[footsteps]
You look like a Carl. Can I call you Carl?
You talking to me?
You ever fantasize about escaping, Carl?
Escaping this land...
this magical land of the newsstand...
where all the girls are right about...
to pull off their panties, but they never quite do.
Must be kind of frustrating.
Look, if you don't like the merchandise, babe...
pssht!
Found this on your dashboard.
It's a unique color.
Kinda like the one the Park-side Peeper wears.
Wait. Uh...
[sighs heavily] Look, I have a disease.
- Okay? - Okay.
And you could say that I, too, am a victim...
- because... - Hey! No. Carl.
Don't get me wrong.
I think it's kinda hot.
I mean, how would I know you were watching...
if I wasn't watching you?
Wha... You've been peeping on me peeping?
Mm-hmm.
Oh. That is hot.
Wait, I ca...
I can't tell if you're playing...
some feminize mind-fuck game on me...
or if you're really trying to seduce me.
Well, Carl, why don't we go back to my hotel and find out?
Pussy is da' bomb. No?
This is a joke, right?
Ten seconds on the shot clock, Kobe.
- Come on! I... - [chuckles]
- This stuff only happens in the movies... - Five...
I'm the only one working this shift, I...
Get out of here.
Are you gay?
Are you impotent?
Or are you just chicken?
Honey?
Sweetie, look.
Your tuxedo.
- Rod? - [Rod narrating] Perhaps it wasn't...
time after all.
Don't worry, I didn't cancel the wedding or anything.
I'm not an asshole.
I needed to figure things out.
Of course, I didn't bring up number 31...
Cynthia "Miss April" Rose.
I stuck to the basics.
"It's not you, it's me".
"I don't want to get married just to get married".
I think I even threw in a "things have been crazy at work".
Fiona took it well... too well.
I think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
It's more than that, Fi.
I said, I think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
I'm being honest.
We're getting married in 11 days, Roderick.
We are past the point of honesty.
We have a goddamn church booked.
Deposits...
orchids.
And you drop this on me right now...
before I'm about to get on a plane...
to go away with the girls to a spa for the weekend...
you goddamn son of a...
Orchids...
[crying]
[Narrating] It was one thing to up heave my own life...
but to break the heart of another...
was too much for me.
I told Fiona what she needed to hear...
and provided the requisite snuggles.
That's when I saw it.
No, not that.
This.
Pardon my fucking French...
but we're talking about a fucking centerfold here.
Fucking a fucking centerfold, if you will.
And believe me, I will.
Last fling like this, I'll never have to look at another woman again, right?
Right?
Back of the line, bro.
[chattering]
[Man] Okay, gentlemen, don't rush.
[bell jingles]
Get out of the way, will you?
- Don't push! Get out of my way! - Come on, man!
[men chattering]
[Man] Hey, stay in line, please.
[Man #2] I know how to play air hockey!
[Man] You each get a chance.
[chattering]
[whistles]
[camera beeps]
Fiona.
Hey, Fi...
you're probably already on the plane.
I just wanted to apologize again for this morning.
I don't know what's going through my head.
- I just... - Is that your car?
[imitating static]
Bad connection. Yeah.
The geeks are revolting. Like, literally.
My name's Cynthia Rose.
- You can call me Cyn. - Okay.
- [bells jingle] - [starts engine]
[tires screeching]
The guy was so serious.
"You must be so proud of those".
I was like, "Dude, they're my breasts...
they're not my S.A.T. scores".
So, I thought if I flashed him he'd shut up...
but who knew the whole store would flip out?
I'm sorry, I forgot.
How long did you say you've been living on this planet?
[laughs]
[Narrating] Coffee became cocktails...
cocktails became dinner, and dinner became...
You guessed it.
Air hockey.
Darn it!
I thought your centerfold...
said air hockey was your game.
Are you always this suave and arrogant?
Well, it's only two of my many adjectives.
I can't believe I'm talking like this.
I'm getting married in less than two weeks.
My fiancée is doing this bachelorette spa thing this weekend...
Wait a minute, you're getting married?
Yep.
Well, why didn't you say so?
That changes everything!
How would you like to do me a favor?
A favor? What kind of fav...
Don't worry. It'll end in sex.
[Trixie] Yes, number 31, Cynthia Rose.
You know this is the most maniacal shit ever, right?
Trix, I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this.
I'm not going to wait around for it.
- [snaps] - Keys?
[Roderick narrating] Cynthia Rose wanted to bring...
a presentable man home to Daddy.
The favor would last another 24 hours.
Meeting another father under the guise of boyfriend...
felt more like cheating than the cheating.
But as paper beats rock, desire beats guilt.
Desire beats everything.
[Cynthia] I just said that I like baking,
and the next day, the centerfold family came up with this concept.
It was like a built-in kitchen set...
with this apron that...
Don't abuse the word "family".
You know as well as I do...
they're just making you an accomplice...
in your own exploitation.
Well, that's better than not being an accomplice...
in my own exploitation.
You asked me what makes a man, Roderick, and I'm going to tell you.
[Roderick narrating] Actually, I hadn't asked.
But there was no stopping Victor Rose the III.
Yes, her father was the Victor Rose...
entrepreneur extraordinaire.
Getting to have sex tonight...
was going to be more complicated...
than I could ever imagine.
My parents believed in tradition...
honor, dignity, faith, and free trade...
and separate bedrooms for couples that are not married.
A toast to the fiery Rose family.
- [woman groaning] - May you...
Sorry, Roderick.
Every family has a sick grandmother...
and Granny C just happens to be...
really old and really scary.
Stop! Mother deserves some respect...
not to be treated like a leper.
Despite her grotesque skin disease.
[high-pitched moaning]
Dessert, Roderick?
[knocking]
[Roderick] Are you decent?
[Cynthia] Absolutely!
[mimicking Victor] Dessert, Roderick?
[snickers]
Oh. Uh...
You asked if I was decent. You didn't ask if...
Yes, my roommate in college always used to do that gag.
It plays better with you.
Lots.
Believe it or not, you did pretty good tonight.
Great.
That old bear down the hall...
is going to be simply crushed when we break up.
You know, your father seems pretty serious...
about the separate bedroom edict.
The greater the danger, the greater the thrill.
That's what I say.
Give me five minutes.
I'm two doors down to the left.
Some guys have this annoying habit of stopping to ask me...
if they're boinking me too hard.
Don't ask and don't stop.
Foreplay's for losers.
Hmm.
Better make that three minutes.
Yeah.
- [puts on condom] - [sighs]
- [moaning softly] - [woman moaning softly]
[both moaning louder]
Oh... yes.
[Victor] What's going on in there?
Ooh, who died?
It's all right, Roderick.
Mother prayed for this day many times.
She's at peace now.
She can keep my son company.
Say hello to Vic, Jr. Mommy!
Cyn. Sir, I'm so sorry.
- You must really... - Yeah, whatever.
She was ancient and my brother was a jerk.
What was with you last night?
Why didn't you come?
Come?
With your father barging in like that...
didn't really leave a lot of time...
for either one of us to hit the jackpot.
You know, as they say...
if at first you don't succeed...
- try, try again. - What are you talking about?
Why didn't you come to my room?
I didn't see you at all.
I guess it was pretty dark, but...
Mother had the strangest...
sweetest, little smile on her face.
I'm convinced that her last moments...
on this mortal coil were ones of pleasure.
When you said two doors to the left...
did you mean your left or my left?
What are you talking...
I don't know, I guess it was my left. Why?
Granny C happens to be really old and...
C. as in Cynthia, as in Cynthia Rose...
as in number 31 on your list...
as in there's more than one, dip-shit!
You fucked my mother!
[screaming]
- [slams door] - [screaming continues]
[screaming, crying]
And if you were to put your hand on the bun...
[screaming]
[Narrating] I raced home to tell Fiona everything.
Okay, not everything.
Not anything.
What woman, a week before her wedding...
wants to hear about some crazy list of women?
Not to mention, I mean really not to mention...
her future husband's involvement...
with an 88-year-old leper.
I was sure Fiona would take me into her arms.
- Honey, I'm home! - Instead, she just took.
I never liked this couch.
Fi?
Fiona, what have you done?
- Why are you... - You're getting off easy and you know it.
I don't understand. I adore you.
I want to make you my wife.
It's like you've got this lost, far-away look...
like you're thinking about the hundreds of other women...
you plan to sleep with before you die.
Hundreds?
70 at most.
Keep going.
You're the guy who notices haircuts.
- You never forget Valentine's Day. - No.
You always have the right, supportive thing to say...
even if you don't mean it.
You're not some evil, sexist jerk, Rod.
So who are you?
I am someone that will love and support you...
Oh.
It's not an oral exam.
I'm going to get up off this couch now.
I'm going to walk to the door.
[sighs]
Do I want you to stop me?
Yes.
Just as my hand is on the knob...
I want you to tackle me...
and hold me and tell me that you can never let me go...
while tears stream down both our faces.
But you better mean it, Rod.
Because right now...
you're just one of the bigger mistakes...
I've ever made.
But if you convince me to stay...
and you can't back it up with every inch of your soul...
then you will be a true villain.
- Good call, buddy! - Ah!
You made the right decision, Mr. Blank...
but it's not like you had much of a choice.
Whoo!
[snorts]
Okay, what's happening?
Where am I?
Who are you people?
Hello, Mr. Blank.
I'm Alpha, he's Beta...
and that's Fred.
[Beta] We're here to tell you everything, Mr. Blank.
This isn't a dream...
and it isn't a dream within a dream, either.
You're not going to wake up at the end...
and I'm your gardener and these are your pool boys.
This is about the list, isn't it?
[scoffs] Of course it's about the list!
You must be freaking out.
Seriously, what number are you at right now...
Down, Fred.
Mr. Blank...
some people you don't know...
found some things you don't know...
in a place you don't know.
And these things have been very useful in making a new thing.
One that apparently knows everything.
A thing that knows everything...
like a computer, a supercomputer.
I prefer the word "machine".
Now, this machine will take a few lifetimes to figure out...
and I wouldn't go as far as to call it an oracle...
but it is... oraclesque.
Last week, it sent out about 2,900 e-mails...
answers to questions nobody asked...
not us, not the e-mail recipients.
Almost everyone received nothing more than an individual date...
day, month, year.
You're very lucky you didn't get that one, Mr. Blank.
It was the day of the recipient's death.
But then there's you.
Yes, a few of the e-mails...
drew an unnatural attention to themselves.
Well, yeah, but yours is the best, far and away.
A list of everyone you're going to have sex with?
Oh man, this other poor dick got the same list.
One name!
The wife that he lost his virginity to.
What a sap!
- Fred... - I mean, can you imagine?
[Beta] Fred!
Mr. Blank, I think you know where I'm going with this.
If people were to find out about the machine...
it would cause panic and confusion and...
You're threatening me?
Not to be a smart-ass.
If your little oracle is for real...
then I can't die before bedding down...
the last lady on the list.
Grand to finally meet you, Mr. Blank.
The door is at the end of the hall.
Yeah, and if you have any questions...
drop in any time, bro.
Can't believe I believe all this.
But you do, and we appreciate it.
You've been guaranteed a robust sex life, Mr. Blank.
That should be enough for you.
Lose the list.
Burn it, bury it, whatever you need to do.
If you let the list in your life...
it will infect every fiber of your being.
Bye-bye.
[chatter]
[bike bell rings]
I like him.
He seems sensible.
Hey, hey, uh, almighty, all-knowing guys?
You just confirmed the validity of a list of 101 sure things.
Okay? So, a list like that, doesn't get burned or buried.
It gets used.
And I mean, it gets, like, crazy-montage-sequence used.
"French-New Wave, learning Gymkata...
I can't believe they could afford that song" montage.
[laughing] It's gonna be fucking nuts!
He's just...
He's going to fuck a lot.
¶~¶ [New Wave]
[sighs]
¶¶ I'm surrounded softly ¶¶
¶¶ By the beat ¶¶
¶¶ Still dumbfounded ¶¶
¶¶ By the intolerable heat ¶¶
¶¶ You came close to me ¶¶
¶¶ And you danced ¶¶
¶¶ It came close to ¶¶
¶¶ Being my last ¶¶
¶¶ I'll take what's mine ¶¶
¶¶ Before I regret it ¶¶
I'm saving that seat for a friend.
What's your name?
Kathleen, Mr. Manners.
- That's a shame. - What did you say?
Oh, I said, it's a nice name.
Roderick Blank.
Ooh, first and last names, how formal.
- Well... - Ah.
Here's my standing up friend and colleague Greta Sampsa.
This is the guy who took your seat.
Greta Sampsa, now that's a fantastic name.
What would you like?
A slow, nasty fuck on the coffee table.
Would you like that with Bacardi or Myer's?
Bacardi.
[laughs]
Did you know I was talking about a drink?
Maybe, maybe not.
¶¶ I'll take what's mine before I ¶¶...
This your only piece of ID?
You swear you're not named after...
anyone else in your family?
Listen, you're cute and I'm drunk...
and my plane is grounded until tomorrow...
but if you want to...
¶¶ I'll take what's mine ¶¶
¶¶ Before I ¶¶...
Noreen!
Leslie and Yuca!
- Here you go. - Thanks, Bill.
Enjoy.
[Bill] Julie!
¶¶ You're having my sex ¶¶
¶¶ You're sleeping with my wife ¶¶
¶¶ You're having my kids and the time of my life ¶¶
¶¶ You're writing my book ¶¶
¶¶ You're starring in my film ¶¶
¶¶ You have the number one and my number ten ¶¶
¶¶ We could be such very good friends ¶¶
¶¶ If you let me in ¶¶
¶¶ The higher the gates, the longer the wait ¶¶
¶¶ Please let this poor boy sin ¶¶
¶¶ You're having my sex ¶¶
¶¶ You're sleeping with my wife ¶¶
¶¶ You're having my kids and the time of my life ¶¶
¶¶ You're writing my book ¶¶
¶¶ You're starring in my film ¶¶
[Narrating] I'd say that I was mature and content.
But if you have to say that stuff out loud...
it can't possibly be true.
I thought I was above all the hot chicks...
high-five, beer-commercial bullshit.
I was above nothing.
The list was life.
Have a startling and unique day...
- Mr. Blank. - Thank you.
Wait a second, how did you know my name?
Swallows is the case study in my business class.
I thought I'd get some first-hand experience...
and make a little money at the same time.
Very little money.
That's fascinating...
Alexis.
Alexis de Large.
Wait a minute.
How did you know my last name?
Yeah, yeah!
That's the way you like it.
[Man] Well, yes, I find the honey mustard sauce...
really brings out the flavor.
Pull my hair.
[Man] What?
Up to the window.
[gasping]
Have a startling and you... you... you...
[Man] Is it too late to squeeze in a cherry pie?
[Roderick narrating] April to August...
I went from number 29 to number 62.
Maybe I was moving too fast.
But then, I guess I was supposed to.
I crossed out the names, but remembered the faces.
Their stare, my stare.
We think if we exchange the meaningful stare...
the meaning will kick in later.
But does it?
One or both of you try to say something like...
"It's just sex".
But is it?
[beeps]
[Woman] You think sending me a bunch of roses...
- is going to make me... - [beeps]
[Woman #2] You think paying my car insurance...
- is going to make me forget that you cheat... - [beeps]
[Woman #3] A stuffed animal?
I overheard a waitress say you paid off her car ins...
[beeps]
[Zack] Earth to Roderick Blank!
Stop having hot sex.
Get your ass up to the house for a barbeque.
It is my boy Max's birthday.
Or my son Kyle. Be here!
[beeps]
[Narrating] When my wedding was canceled...
there had been a chill among the married folk.
You'd have thought I'd left them at the altar.
But now they kind of like having me around.
The ladies' man.
Lizzie is an amazing woman, Zack.
I mean, what she's done with that clinic. [whistles]
The way she's raised your two kids.
Yeah, yeah, my wife's a goddamn saint.
Now, this stewardess, did she say...
"Come on my ass" or "Come in my ass"?
Oh, Roderick's definition of having children...
is a little different than ours.
Why raise them when you can pork them?
Ooh!
Lizzie, how many times do I have to tell you?
I didn't know she was your niece.
Besides, she's 19- and a half.
And I found her to be very mature for her age.
[women grousing]
- Rod! - So bad.
[Narrating] Husbands, wives...
kids, families.
It was not just a world I was supposed to want...
it was a world I genuinely wanted.
What's life without experiencing
the wonder of a child?
- [Boy] I named my hamster Dog. - Oh.
And when I get a dog, I'm going to name him after you.
- [chuckles] - Mr. Butt.
You about ready?
- Yeah. - [child whining]
You know, maybe they're right.
I should lower the old periscope for a while...
hold out for someone special.
Special?
If the subject is cooking or crab grass,
then you can listen to married people.
Come on.
You're hitting baskets from everywhere on the court.
This is no time to go back to the bench.
Hey. I'm Bob.
- Rod, is it? - Yeah.
My apologies, I just- I couldn't help overhearing...
your good fortune with the female of the species.
I'm hoping it'll rub off.
And why is that, kind sir?
Oh, funny story.
One morning about five months ago...
I came to work, and right there on my computer screen...
a day, a month and a year.
A date. Today's date.
I'm utterly convinced that it's a sign.
The night that I'm to meet my soul mate.
- [sotto voce] You had to ask him. - I've gone as far...
as to procure lodgings down the street
at the Hotel Taboo.
Kind of spicy.
Wait.
You received an unexplained date as an e-mail?
Yeah.
Your next drink's on me.
Oh, how very kind of you.
¶¶ [woman vocalizing]
¶¶ [rock]
Oh...
I'd like to be the meat in that fairy sandwich.
So out of your league in so many ways.
¶¶ I need two girls ¶¶
¶¶ If I can't have you ¶¶
- Holy lesbo. - [laughing]
Is that Bambi and Thumper?
¶¶ I need two girls ¶¶
¶¶ If I can't have you ¶¶
All right, Trix, they're all yours.
I'm out.
- [Trixie laughs] - Where's he...
What league are we talking about here?
You don't know Bambi Kidd and Thumper Wint?
The Euro-Prague rock superstar...
and the British astronaut?
Rod! The Blog!
The reality show.
The daily streaming video.
They are the Beyond-Ultimate Lesbian Power Couple.
They go from town to town...
mm, raising awareness on important issues...
by empowering young women...
and then seducing them.
I'm hoping for an autograph.
Or a three-way.
Oh, back off, they're looking over here.
[Roderick narrating] My friends, it's not about buying them flowers.
It's not about pretending to ignore them.
It's all about just knowing.
I know, easy for me to say.
Bambi and Thumper, was it?
Bambi and Thumper.
W... Why are they staring at you?
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Don't tell me one of them is on that fucking list.
- That list of fucking... - No, one of them is not on the list.
[Narrating] But you see, even before the list...
I always knew just knowing...
beats any gift, tactic, or opening line...
no matter what the sexual orientation.
¶¶ If I can't have you ¶¶
¶¶ One that I can love ¶¶
¶¶ To have and to hold ¶¶
¶¶ One for at the club ¶¶
Wish me luck.
I may be coming in late tomorrow.
Rod?
Hey, Rod! Hey!
Hey, I found her!
She's the one!
Can you... What a night!
[sighs] What a night, indeed.
Hey, have you thought any more about my offer, my love?
I mean, yours are nice, don't get me wrong.
Really, really nice...
but is there really such a thing as too big?
- Let's just enjoy this moment. - All right.
Just, you know, with my position at the company...
I get a 40% discount on whatever kind of implant you want.
- [spraying] - Hey, Bob.
Seriously, enjoy the moment.
Okay... You win.
- [laughs, sighs] - [spraying continues]
"My wounds are deeper than your desires".
Drink?
Don't mind if I do.
Is the gentleman surprised that he's here?
No, the gentleman is not.
Oh! Did you hear that, Miss Kidd?
He's very cocky.
Accent on the cock, Miss Wint.
[chuckles]
Boy, my assistant is gonna kill me...
That is so sweet. He is trying to talk to us.
Man-guy, just sign the confidentiality agreement on the table.
Now.
The kind sir does understand...
a vegan doesn't tell her friends...
that she just wolfed down a greasy cheeseburger.
[swing squeaks]
Yes, the kind sir understands... kind of.
Bottoms up.
- [woman screams] - [thud]
[laughs] Whoa!
Looks like everyone's having a good time tonight, huh?
So what do you say about round two?
I may need a little in about 30 minutes.
And I'd like you to meet my family, if that's okay.
I was thinking, I'm from, uh...
Oh, my God! Is that paint?
- Does that come off? - [chuckling]
Who... why would you do that?
I put this room on my credit card.
What are you trying to do, imitate that disturbed woman...
who's going around...
Oh, dear.
What can I say, Bob?
Some dreams are too true to be good.
Well, I must say, you're being a real cun...
uh... I didn't say it...
cunning woman, you are.
That's what I was... I was g... help?
[Bambi, in next room] Ow! I was faking it!
Don't tell me you were faking it, Miss Kidd.
I know when you're faking it, and you did that thing with your toes!
- No... - Bambi, Thumper, please, don't fight.
You said you wouldn't get jealous, Miss Wint!
[yelping, grunting]
Okay. Maybe fight a little more.
This is not about sex! This is about intimacy!
Real intimacy!
That's it. Turn the cameras off.
Keep the camera rolling!
- Cameras? Rolling? - [thud]
Oh, no, no. No, this is crazy. You can't film this!
Well, you did know the confidentiality agreement's really a release form.
Haven't you seen our show?
Don't you change the subject, Star Whore.
[Thumper laughing]
- [glass shatters] - [squealing, struggling]
Help me, somebody! It's her! She's here!
I think they're kind of having
some problems of their own there, Bob.
Please! Just tell me what you want from me!
Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?
Take forever, if you have to.
Don't. Please. Please.
Please wait. Just wait. Wait.
I... This is not fair.
It's not like I hit you, or roofied you,
or openly exploited you in...
Oh, this is the breast implant thing? Okay.
Look, I'm just the company accountant.
I keep the books! Please!
All I need to know is, why? I deserve a good reason...
Why do men always get to have reasons?
Did you think women get to have reasons when they get attacked?
I want everyone on red alert here.
Although you do bring up a legitimate point.
I mean, you're not Master Bitchslap...
or the Park-side Peeper.
Or even that captain of the lacrosse team, who...
Whoap!
[thud]
Bob?
Oh... Bob.
- [car drives by] - Aw, pilgrim.
Guess it was just your time.
- [Bambi and Thumper struggling, yelping] - [objects breaking]
[groans]
[screaming, shattering]
Oh, yeah...
What a night.
- [whimper] - [sighs]
What time do you have to be down at the new location?
Trixie?
Hey, I'm sorry about last night.
If it makes you feel any better...
it was the most traumatic night of my...
Okay, well, it wasn't all bad, but...
I'm sorry. It's always been a fantasy to be with two women at once.
You know, lesbians, rock stars, astronauts.
Okay, maybe not astronauts.
But you know, sexy female space travelers.
You're giving the finger to the intercom box, aren't you?
- [screaming, struggling] - [Roderick] I know. I know.
I lied about 'em being on the list.
The list. Damn it!
Don't get me wrong, a piece of paper that tells me...
whether or not I'm gonna get lucky,
you're not gonna say anything bad about, but...
it's- it's like...
watching a tape of a football game...
and you know your team wins.
It's not unenjoyable...
but can it really compare to watching the game live...
and they're going for it on the fourth down?
- And you don't know if... - Sports metaphors...
aren't my thing.
But it sounds like you're going for...
"The thrill of the pursuit...
is more exciting than the conquest".
I can't help it!
I mean, I see the name...
I want to find her and meet her...
so I can cross her out, and I can get to the next name.
I'm not in control of my own destiny.
That may be true.
But you're not supposed to know that!
You're meddling with the primal forces of nature.
I mean, my God. Am I on the list, too?
- [laughing] - I mean...
Ah. Whew.
[chuckling]
You got scared there a little, didn't you?
- Oh, you were more scared. - Yes.
Trixie?
What if I were meant to be with these women...
no matter what?
What if you were meant to bury the list...
and calm the heck down?
You know...
if we bury the list, guess what?
You were meant to bury the list.
Live your life.
Whatever happens, happens.
[grunting]
You know, it's a sheet of paper, not a body.
- Sheet of paper, not a body! - [groans]
Yeah. It's time.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. - Breathe.
Breathe, Roderick!
Yeah! Breathe!
Yes, I have deleted all remnants of the list...
on my hard drive.
But remember, oh weak one, we are putting a tulip to mark this spot.
If you wuss out, we will dig it up.
- Wait. One more name? - Oh, Rod!
- Please? - [snorts]
Couple of letters I'm gonna give ya.
Dr. Mir...
Please, one more letter.
What's that gonna make? One letter- no!
Don't grab it!
Mir... Mir...
- One more letter! - That's it!
We're ready!
[struggling, whooping]
I'm starting to take a liking to Trixie.
I think she's a very good influence.
It's not gonna happen, Beta.
You can't bury something that precious.
[sighs] Death Nell took her tenth victim last night.
- Hm? - That double-digit rule.
When a serial killer hits ten, we get called.
We... Like we don't have enough on our plate?
I thought she only did comas!
Not last night.
But on the side of the bright...
home base says the machine has taken an interest.
No way he's really doing it!
- Ready? - Quick. Before I change my mind.
Way to go, Roderick.
Way to go. [chuckles]
[Zack] Rod, you're missing this.
They crossed into our territory.
We could lose this.
I know. Isn't it exciting?
[Zack] If we blow it again in their red zone...
it's gonna leave a bad taste in my mouth.
That's what your boyfriend said last night.
- Hey... - Lester, what are you feeding your turtle?
Ugh. Anything that will make him sick.
I'm sorry, Skippy.
But Daddy's gotta see that veterinarian.
What? This is nothing!
I saw this freak in a parking lot
try to shove a bottle opener in a Great Dane's ass...
just to get an emergency appointment.
Are you talking about the vet over on Vera Donna?
Oh...
Lizzie threatened to put Mr. Whiskers to sleep...
if I went near that place again.
- She is so pretty. - Mmm.
But not in like a, "I'm a model...
don't fucking look at me" way.
- And she's just so smart and funny. - Yes.
And you know what I love about her? My favorite thing.
- The way she cracks her neck. - Mmm-mm-mm.
- What about that silver anklet of hers? - Ohh...
You know, if you can't make it to the clinic...
you should try the gym on Wednesday...
or Trader Joe's on Thursday.
- Well, I do like Trader Joe's. - Yeah.
It's all on the Dr. Miranda Storm website.
Yeah, it's a website. I've been there.
It's put together by one of these real stalker geek types.
Oh, thank God you're not one of those.
Ladies, we've got a football game going on here.
Enough talking about the X chromosome.
Especially the almighty Dr. Miranda...
Dr. Mir...
Is he smirking?
You're smirking. Why is Rod smirking?
[Roderick] Interception!
- [crowd roars] - You see it?
[all yelling at once]
I told you! I told you!
Yes! Oh, yes!
[laughing]
[sighing]
Phew. Perfecto.
I can still make Miranda's 4:20 Starbucks appearance.
She orders a...
[in unison] Macchiato with extra foam.
I could use some caffeine myself. I'll come with.
No, you're not getting anywhere near her, Midas Dick.
Fine. I'll go to Dietrich’s, then.
I got work to do, anyway.
Please, Rod.
Just this one time, don't seduce this...
- [squish] - [all yelling]
- Oh, diarrhea! Yes! - [laughing]
[cracking]
[clears throat]
You... huh, always carry a bottle opener?
This little guy? He's been through a lot.
I quit my job today because of this bottle opener.
Not-so-great day. Long story.
[sets down opener]
Why were you staring at me?
Oh, don't worry, Doc. I'm not one of your stalkers.
If I were, I'd be at Starbucks about now, wouldn't I?
You've seen the website.
No. I've... I've heard about it.
I've heard about you.
Really. Well, you missed out.
It's quite good.
It's got great graphics, challenging quizzes.
It's obviously caused me to rearrange my rituals.
[deep breath]
You're not gonna use your spoon, are you?
No.
[chuckles]
Okay. The bottle opener, I'm gonna let slide.
But the spoon? Start talking.